Before you think this post is going to be riddled with cynicism, trust me, it’s not. Perhaps it’s a lack of inspiration for a catchy title, or the fact that since 2009, I don’t really look forward to many holidays. So maybe I fibbed. There may be some cynicism! Apologies in advance. In summary, this post will be about my thoughts on Mother’s Day, my experience after becoming a mother, my personal enigmatic relationship with my own mom, and a book that completely changed my life… Clearly this will be a long one full of spin offs, so… let’s get started!

Mother’s Day comes around every year in May at the end of the school year where all moms with school aged children are hanging by a thread! And not to mention the fact that it’s on Sunday, which means we can’t party like some of us want to! All jokes aside, it seems more of a challenging day for most of us because of the many reasons why today makes us sad. Some of us have complicated relationships with our mothers. Others dont have a mother to celebrate either because of mortality, distance, or circumstance. Perhaps you’re a single mother, or you’ve lost a child. The list is infinite and heavy on one’s heart. I would be lying if I said I didnt cry every. single. Mother’s. Day. I do. And I used to be so ashamed. I would run and hide. But tears aren’t anything to be ashamed of. If I can’t cry loud and proud on Mother’s Day, when would be a convenient time for everyone? Do it! And do it proudly Mom!!! One thing that has tremendously impacted my way of viewing today is changing my perspective of today. And I’m genuinely sorry that this trick will only apply to moms with school aged children. When I get to the older years, I promise to update you! To me, right now, Mother’s Day is for my kids. For my kids to not only learn the concept of love, appreciation, and thoughtfulness, but also to be celebrated for giving us the gift of motherhood. Looking at how they light up when they give you their “All About Mom” worksheet that says you’re ninety eight years old and love green beans! Yes, you know the one. Those my friends are memories. Memories that lay rest in our hearts forever. So sure we need to scramble the night before and complete all our chores so we can pretend to relax on Sunday, but ultimately, it’s just another chapter in life that is over before we know it. And soon we’ll be left longing for the macaroni necklace, and thumbprint refrigerator magnet. Mother’s Day is for them because thanks to them we are now “Mom”.

Bare with me with this one. Because as much as I candidly speak about my complicated relationship with my own mother, it may seem like this part of my post is contradictory, but it’s not. They can live together in their truth and harmonious contradiction. After I became a mom I realized how often I think to myself, “Wow, she was right about everything.” To become a mom is to completely say goodbye to the life you’ve had, and start all over again in a way that fits and includes your child. It’s the hardest, unpaid, but also most gratifying job on the planet. Read more here in this excerpt from an Instagram Post I published in September 2021. My advice to hopeful or expectant mothers you ask? Great question, I’d love to tell you… It’s ok to hate being pregnant. It’s ok to feed them pouches. It’s ok to potty train at three, or four, or whenever your child is ready. It’s ok to pick them up every time they cry. It’s ok to say they drive you crazy without feeling the immediate compulsion to clarify that you love your children. What I’m getting at is this: They are YOUR children and YOU are THEIR mother. No matter what you do, you will always feel like you aren’t enough, like you aren’t doing enough, like you aren’t giving enough, like you aren’t loving enough. But guess what, the fact that you feel that way and have those thoughts means YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. God chose YOU to be THEIR mother. Now show Him how much you can love these little humans!

Mother’s Day makes me sad because I am away from my own mother. Mother’s Day makes me sad because I never had a close relationship with my own grandmothers. Mother’s Day makes me sad because I am now part of a blended family with typical blended family struggles. Mother’s Day makes me sad because despite loving my mother with every ounce of my soul, she is also the narrator of my very negative inner voice that I struggle with every day. How can the person that brought me into this world and raised me, also be one of the people that makes me feel the absolute worst about myself? After years of soul searching, personal struggles, unresolved trauma, introspection, and amazing therapists I came to conclusion that life doesnt happen to us, it happens for us. But it isn’t until we’re ready to learn about ourselves that we can truly see the light, tear everything down, sit in the pain, come to acceptance, heal, and rebuild.

Therapy is a dangerous journey. Therapy reminds me of those movies where explorers prepare for a journey they know nothing about, but all they know is that it will be scary, dangerous, and not everyone will make it through. My coparent (which we have a wonderful relationship now, after years of tension - maybe this can be a topic for another post…) hated it. It made him question everything about his life and even grow apart from his parents for a while. So like I said, it’s not for the faint of heart. For me it was eye opening. It was like learning how and why I was programmed the way I was. Why my inner voice was so negative and toxic. Why I loved the way I loved, and why I struggled so hard speaking up for myself. I recognized and accepted that my parents were controlling, abusive, conditional, and even neglectful, but ultimately they parented the only way they knew how. I don’t remember not feeling safe, or being hungry, or feeling like I was lacking in certain needs, but I do remember questioning why they treated me and my brother the way they did, and if they truly loved us. After a genuine desire to learn about myself, to be a better mother, wife, and friend, I realized that the question we should asking ourselves is - “What happened to me?”, not “what’s wrong with me?” My own experience and hardship with motherhood taught me that my parents did the best they could with what they knew alongside their own daily struggles, inner voice, and trauma. I also learned that they have always loved me, but in the only ways they knew how. And finally, it taught me that instead of resenting my parents for how they raised me, I could take it as inspiration to break intergenerational patterns and cycles and choose to love my children differently. To teach them discipline through love. To not jump to conclusions. To give them the gift of struggle. But to also forgive them constantly and continuously. Not only them, but myself too. This topic is HUGE. And I’d love to cover it over time because it’s relatively new to me as well. But if you would like to read a book that will not only inspire you, it will also (and I don’t mean this loosely and I am not trying to aggrandize this statement) COMPLETELY CHANGE YOUR LIFE… please do yourself a favor and get it today! Start changing your life in this moment! It will provide you with so much clarity and understanding, and will reignite your passion about yourself… About becoming the best version of yourself yet. It will be like learning who you are all over again with the new found perspective of the fact that NOTHING is wrong with you. How liberating that must feel right? Oh, trust me. Life changing.

While today may be seen as a day that is made especially to celebrate mothers, it has become a day that is hard for many of us. Please consider this post as a sign and permission for you to enjoy today! To do something for yourself. Or to simply do nothing at all! Use today as the first year that you change your perspective on the holiday. Or use today as the the first day to learn about what happened to you! If you take anything away from this post take this:

Happy Mother’s Day to you (or not, if you decide not to celebrate)! Know that someone in Texas is thinking about all of you (us) that struggle today for our very own private reasons. Know that I am praying that today is whatever today needs to be for you!
Forgiveness is real. And therapy works. While this post may be brimming with heavy topics and some negative tones, know that life is great and wonderful. Motherhood is difficult, but worth every tear. Relationships with our own mothers can be toxic, but love and forgiveness can change everything. Therapy is full of uncharted waters, but it brings you home safely!

I’d like to end today’s post with this thought - Stop overthinking today, and just let today be today! Dont let stress, anticipation, or expectations steal this very moment’s joy! Tomorrow will be here soon and we’ll have plenty more to worry about!

I love you!

Stay in your grace! This girl is thinking about you today!

XO,

Dani