My name is Daniela... "dah · nyeh · lah"
You guys have all become familiar with me across my social channels as “Dani”. In fact, for purposes of branding, it actually was a brilliant idea. But the truth is that going by “Dani” wasn’t a marketing technique or even part of a well thought out business plan. Choosing to identify as “Dani” was an example of how extreme and how far I would go violating my own personal boundaries. The catalyst behind the birth of “Dani” was a chef instructor I had in 2005 . Not only was he the most difficult instructor throughout my entire culinary school career, he was also one of my very first experiences with trying to enter an unfriendly, male dominated profession. Putting all the blame on who we’ll call Chef Misogynist, for privacy reasons, for choosing to start identifying as “Dani” would simply be unfair as I had been called Danielle my entire life. Despite the one “L” and the “A” at the end, despite me saying my name in every introduction or presentation, despite my thick accent and difficulties with the language, I was always “DANIELLE”. Hearing that name was like a searing poke in my chest. As a child with undiagnosed ADHD and RSD, to me it sounded like-
You arent important enough to learn your name.
Your name is weird.
Same difference.
Why does it matter? Tomayto, tomahto?
(TW) Another beaner/spick unwilling to assimilate. You’re in America!
The reason I thought this would be a great topic to write about is a two part answer:
Your name. Your name is the first defining standard of who you are. It’s how the world comes to know and identify you. It’s what you respond to. Sometimes people see your name before they even lay eyes on you, whether is a teacher’s roster, or a job application. Your name is something you should always be proud of like your skin tone, freckles, height, or even accent. Your name deserves to be spoken into existence in the way it’s intended to sound. Sure nicknames are nice, but they should never take place of your birth given name if it’s something that matters to you. Daniela is special to me because it was my grandfather’s name (Daniel) - God rest his soul. Fun fact: back in the olden days, as my son would say, ultrasound machines weren’t very reliable and the obstetrician was convinced I was a boy. SURPRISE come my birth day. So according to my parents version of events, why not just throw an “A” on the end? My name wasn’t something I ever questioned on my own. It was something that others made me question, like my height or my gummy smile. And in turn, I started to question myself. Embrace yourself wholly. There is only one of you in this world, so how can anyone judge you or hold you up to a scale when you’re one of a kind?
BOUNDARIES. Do you ever find yourself going with the flow when you really want to say NO? Have you ever been called a people pleaser? Or a doormat? Do you often find yourself going to events or functions you truly didn’t want to attend? Hosting events at your house you didn't want to host? Signing up to volunteer at your child’s school when you dont even have the time to do it? Saying yes to a high conflict coparent simply to keep the peace? Taking on more than you can handle? Keeping quiet when you really want to express your opinion? Struggle communicating your needs? Feeling resentful, burnt out, drained, and/or disappointed for breaking promises to yourself? Does that sound familiar to anybody? Setting boundaries. Pfffff. What an ambiguous concept. Boundaries? With who? How do I start? Does it really bother me? The thing I learned about myself a few years ago is that I was TERRIBLE with boundaries. I always said yes. I agreed to things I didn’t want to do, didn’t believe in, didnt want to wear, or places I didn’t want to go. I even went as far as biting my tongue when I wanted to speak up on behavior that made me feel very uncomfortable. I went along with being called Danielle because I was too afraid to correct someone and say ‘DANIELA’ "dah · nyeh · lah". I was terrible with establishing boundaries for myself because I was raised in a home where you kept your head down, did what you were supposed to without questioning it for a second, and the idea of correcting someone was basically manners suicide. Boundaries - truly a relatively new concept to me because it has taken me a lot longer to not feel guilty or rude for speaking up for myself. I cringe at the idea of making someone uncomfortable, but at what price? Why is someone else’s comfort more important than my own?
Protect your peace at all costs. Remember that healing also means taking responsibility for the role you play in your own suffering. So while now I fully embrace and CHOOSE to go by “Dani” as it’s the name that represents your loud and proud digital best friend, it took me years to not look at it as a bandaid solution to a problem I had created for myself by not honoring my boundaries. Dani will forever be the name that you guys know me as. It will also be representative of my personal and financial independence from a toxic marriage and the ability and freedom to support my children. But Daniela will always be the spiritual, obedient daughter, the loving sister, the young girl who struggled assimilating into a pre-constructed society not quite ready to accept diversity, but also the intended, intentional and proud bearer of the name.
So today I ask you this? Think about the areas in your life that cause you discomfort. Do you have any? Do you find yourself “going with the flow” to keep the peace? Do you find yourself agreeing to things you truly don’t want to do or agree with? Do you find yourself staying quiet because it’s a lot easier than telling someone they crossed a line? It might be time to start building strong, clear, and concise boundaries. No, not walls. A representation of your sacred, protected, personal space. Your standards. The space that makes you feel honored and safe. Trust me when I say this - those that respect them, love and/or respect you. And those who cross them or get angry at you are the reason those boundaries need to stay in place. Relinquish all guilt, all fear of upsetting anyone, any discomfort, wondering if you are being selfish or dramatic, or even second guessing yourself.
While this post may have started off as a short backstory to why you guys now know me as “Dani”, it really is a gentle reminder to honor yourself, honor your peace, and raise those boundaries to heaven. Remember that a boundary is for you, not them. It is for the protection of your own mental and emotional health.
So whether you choose to know me as Dani, or Daniela, I just want to make sure that you feel safe and honored in your own skin, and that you take up space in the world loudly and proudly.
I love you!
XO,
Dani
