Do you know which characters you play in someone's story?
Have you ever sat down and wondered which characters you play in someone’s story? What particular roles you play in someone’s life? I have. I’ve often wondered or hoped I was the hero in my sons’ stories, and feared that maybe I’ve been the villain at times. Or maybe I’m “the one that got away” in some rando’s story that I met when I was dipping my toes into the single pool after being married for almost ten years. But keeping on brand with my RSD syndrome, I typically assume I am a secondary character in everyone’s story. You know, the one that doesn’t say much, or if they got killed off in chapter one, it wouldn’t change the plot. What I want you to notice here is the extremely pronounced and palpable negative self talk. That has everything to do with me, and nothing to do with anyone else’s story, or individual perception of me.
Before we get into the depth of this blog post, I do want to take the time to explain and reiterate a few things that might help give you a little more context and understanding about how my neurodivergent brain varies from someone who’s neurotypical. Often times when I share an anecdote, observation, or advice, I am greeted with the criticism of the idea that I am self centered, egotistical, narcissistic, or selfish, but the truth is (and I didnt learn this until I asked my ADHD psychiatrist about it) that often times people who are neurodivergent, ADHD in particular, show empathy in relatability. For example - if you share a story about something that is happening to you, how you feel stressed or upset about something, and we follow it up with a very similar story, we aren’t trying to “one up” you, or steal your thunder. We are trying to show empathy. We are trying really hard to make sure you believe us that we know how you feel. So I ask you for grace when I share my thoughts with you. The reason for so much relatability and personal connections is in an effort to show you that I truly understand. People with ADHD struggle daily with over sharing and over explaining ourselves because we live in the constant fear that someone will misinterpret what we are trying to explain. Ok, enough of that housekeeping moment. Now, let’s get on with the show!
I used to drive myself to the point of insanity trying to convince people of who I am. Trying to prove that I was smart, trying to prove that I was funny, trying to prove that I was empathetic, or often times, trying to prove that I was less intense than I know I am. But at what cost? Madness. See here’s the thing, take a moment to think about someone in your life, anybody really… now think about what role or character you play in their story. Are you a protagonist? A villain? Are you even in their story? Do you honestly, truly know?
Did you know that the role you play in their story, or the way they see you has very little to do with you, with your truest sense of self, the most authentic version of yourself. Think about it. Here’s an example - I am riddled with the same thoughts every time I come into contact with someone:
Was I nice?
Was I friendly enough?
Did I smile?
Did I smell good?
I wonder if they liked me. Probably not.
Did I talk too loud?
I bet they think I’m annoying.
I know for sure my laugh annoyed them.
Did you see their facial expression? They were bored.
They hate me.
F them. Their loss.
I didn’t say anything offensive.
Wait. Did I say something offensive?
I wonder if they’re upset?
Should I apologize?
Do any of these questions have anything to do with the person I had an interaction with? Absolutely not. The lens that I viewed someone is defined (and tainted) by my upbringing, beliefs, experiences, and traumas. And the same applies to everyone. While someone who is comfortable around bright and loud personalities might find me entertaining and endearing, someone who is having a bad day, or who struggles with trust might think I am annoying or disingenuous. Some people might think I am controlling or overbearing while the protagonists in my life story understand that it stems from my need to feel safe in my space, and in control because of my history with trauma. Some people might view you as hyperemotional or weak, but those in your life story might feel safe to share their emotions around you. I have often been told that my boundaries are selfish or rude, or ask if I worry about “the optics,” but I dont. Because those that find them rude are probably the secondary characters that needed the boundaries in the first place. And those who play an important part of the plot are proud of me for standing up for myself.
So don’t waste your time trying to convince people of who you are. Stop trying to control the way others see you. You can’t. And it won’t make a difference. You will be assigned a role in someone’s story no matter what you do, and none of it will have anything to do with you. It will all be based on their previous life story, the lens they view their life through, and the kind of day or week or year they’ve had. You can’t control the lens through which someone view’s you, so you might as well live your truest, purest, most authentic life! Remember - you are not responsible for the way people perceive you.
“Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude.
My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.”
-Frank Ocean
XO!
Dani👹
